


Cloudy Days

by a_very_smol_frog



Series: The Crow's Nest [11]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Bad Days, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Kageyama is sad, M/M, PTDS, Thoughts of Suicide, but Hinata is there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27352579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_very_smol_frog/pseuds/a_very_smol_frog
Summary: Even though the storm has passed, Kageyama still has cloud days.~This fic is part of the Crow's Nest Universe but can be read as a stand alone fic~
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Series: The Crow's Nest [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1711909
Comments: 14
Kudos: 98





	Cloudy Days

**Author's Note:**

> For angst week I decided to revisit this series. Even though Kageyama is getting help and is in a much better place mentally now, PTSD and anxiety don't just magically go away. Bad days happen and that's okay <3 
> 
> If you're new to this AU and haven't read the main fic all you need to know to understand this work is that Kageyama went through a lot of past physical, mental, and emotion abuse at the hands of his daughter's (Rini) mother. He is now in a happy relationship with Hinata and co-owns and runs a bed and breakfast named the Crow's Nest with Oikawa.

Kageyama sometimes liked to say that his mind was like a battlefield and the memories from his past were the bullets whipping past his head. On good days he was able to leap out from the trenches and gain some ground, pushing forward towards the greener grass on the other side of the fence. Some days he could close his eyes for a few moments and ignore the shaking of the earth under his feet and the ear shattering explosions of the bombs; some days he allowed himself to believe that eventually this war might end and he would be able to walk the world a free man. 

But then days like today reminded him that there was only one white flag he would ever be able to raise—only one way to silence the constant barrage of intrusive thoughts and whispering voices. It meant leaving everything behind, Rini, Hinata, Oikawa, The Crow’s Nest, but for the first time he would finally be able to experience the blissful serenity of silence. 

As he laid in bed, staring up at the constellation of cracks and rivets in the ceiling of their bedroom, he wondered if maybe it would be a tiny bit worth it. 

Today his body was riddled with holes and it was all he could do to keep breathing—every rise and fall of his chest was forced and ragged. The voice, that small whisper that never left the back of his head, had grown from something that existed only in the corners of his mind into a deafening roar. The darkness slithered across the ground and coiled itself around his arms, making them heavy like lead and impossible to move. It snaked around his throat, constricting his breath and leaving his gasping for air. It seeped into his thoughts, poisoning the sunshine filled and honey sweet memories he desperately tried to cling to.

“You’re weak.”

“You’re useless.”

“They don’t love you.”

“They don’t need you.”

Sometimes the voice carried its own unique cadence, sometimes it mimicked his own, but most of the time it was the familiar gin soaked slur he remembered from all those years ago. 

She was gone, he tried to tell himself, but even though years had passed and hundreds of miles stood between them—he could still taste the cherry red stain on her lips and feel the sting of her palm flat against his cheek. It burned and consumed him, swallowing him whole until all he could feel were the flames licking at his skin. 

Kageyama curled in on himself under the covers. He pushed a pillow over his head, clutching it with white knuckles, and prayed that if he pressed hard enough he could muffle the words ricocheting so hard against the inside of his skull he felt his teeth vibrate. 

Some small part of him knew he was safe; that in these dingey white walls he had built something precious—something sacred. In every brick and seam he had poured his heart, body, mind, and soul, infusing the best of every part of himself so that the wooden beams and plaster sheets would only be able to tell tales of happy memories and joyous laughter. 

He had done it all for two bright blue eyes, a pudgy belly, and a snaggle toothed smile. 

Without any hesitation he would do it all over again.

Kageyama heard the door of their bedroom slowly creak open and click closed again. Soft footsteps padded across the carpet and the bed groaned as it dipped under the weight of a second body.

“Tobio?” Oh that made it worse—so much worse. Kageyama didn’t deserve this. The concern, the gentle touches, the understanding that some days he just _couldn’t_ , and the reassurance that it was _okay_. 

He didn’t deserve this. What right did he have to eat up so much of Hinata’s time? He was a leech, sucking the life and happiness out of all that surrounded him in a feeble attempt to fill hole that was so deep and vast you could drain the seven seas into it and he would still be hollow. 

Even though he was moving forward most days it felt like the finish line kept being pushed further back, and no amount of progress would ever get him to his goal. 

He kept stumbling, falling face first into the dirt, but Hinata was always right by his side with a hand reached out to help him back onto his feet. 

“Tobio can you talk to me?” Scrounging up every last ounce of willpower left in his wrung out soul, Kageyama managed to turn onto his other side so that his nose was smooshed up against a jean clad knee. Nimble fingers found their way into his hair, and Kageyama hated how he instantly relaxed into the touch. 

He had no right. 

“I’m sorry.” His voice was brittle and bone dry. He felt like the husk of a man; a shell of someone that used to be alive but had the soul drained out of them long ago. 

There was no heavy sigh. No sharp tug to his hair. No exasperated snappy comment. 

The gentle caress of fingers against his scalp continued with their mindless ministrations and a comfortable silence settled over them. 

Kageyama couldn’t help it, he snuggled closer to Hinata—attempting to soak up the warmth of the sun to stave off the icy numbness that had seeped into his chest and flowed through his veins.

Hinata didn’t deserve this. Someone who was as bright and kind and _good_ as Hinata deserved someone who could walk by their side: not a heavy weight tied to their ankles. 

The voice echoed in Kageyama’s head.

“He will leave.” 

“You’re not worth it.”

This time it sounded like sunshine and liquid heat, but it was tinged with something bitter. It burned like acid, ripping holes into the fabric of Kageyama’s mind—tattering his seams and fraying his edges. 

He must have been muttering these vicious thoughts out loud because the hands in his hair stilled. 

“You are worth it Tobio. Even like this you are my everything.” 

The darkness in his head had caused him to wilt, but those words shattered him. 

Every sob clawed its way up his throat. They sunk their talons into the soft flesh and slit and cleaved it into ribbons. His body heaved with every broken cry.

Kageyama felt himself crumble. The rickety foundation he had been trapezing on swayed and shuttered until it finally all came tumbling down—reduced to a jagged pathetic mess of something that once resembled a man. 

In the ash and ruin he sat trying to fruitlessly piece himself back together again, but this time two hands clasped over his own and a new set of knees settled in the next to him in the dust.

With nothing but patience and love Hinata expertely gathered Kageyama up into his arms and breathed life into him once again. Every time the redhead poured his own heart and soul into Kageyama and never once asked for anything in return. 

They both knew this was far from the last time this would happen and yet Hinata did not hesitate to reach out and surround him. 

Kageyama clung to him—dampening the front of his shirt and wrinkling the edges. He held on until his lungs could taste the clean air and the darkness slowly unraveled its vice grip on his mind. 

They stayed like that long after the sobs had turned into hiccups and gasps devolved into sniffles. 

Kageyama wanted to apologize. To promise that he would try harder, be better, but his tongue felt heavy and exhaustion hung on his eyelids. 

“It’s okay Tobio. Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll always be here.”

Today was a cloudy day but Kageyama had weathered much more severe storms. Even now, sitting in the darkness, Kageyama could feel the warmth of the sun’s rays against his skin and he let it cradle him to sleep. 

There was a brief ceasefire and the world fell silent. 

It wasn’t over—he didn’t know if it would ever be over, but Kageyama was no longer alone in this war and that was enough to give him the strength to take on another day.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I didn't bring you too much grief with this <3 
> 
> As always thank you for reading. 
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/a_very_smolfrog) for updates on fics, haikyuu brain rot, and other shenanigans.


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